In the past year or so I have needed a lot of help. I have been injured more often than not and have had to let go of my guilt in needing to lean on others even when they are frustrated at the situation and not quite at me.
I have also been someone known as strong. I’m kind of a running joke going through companies that just love a good personality assessment everyone always assumes I’m the chaos creating extrovert and then they seem my results the thinking, feeling, introvert you can see their heads almost do a weird exorcist 180. There worlds are shook.
I think many times as woman and men we feel strength = success and we get to scared to admit we are drowning when we need help the most. Always wondering if we are failing because we think we should be able to do it alone. When really it should never have been that way.
I remember crying in my office feeling the walls crumbling and dealing with financial, emotional and all kinds of stress-ers and felt totally lost. Which spiraled into me screaming at my significant other. Once I calmed down I looked at him and said why won’t you help me? And his response was pretty revealing. He said because you always seem to find a way. It doesn’t matter what comes up I don’t know how you do it but you just look at me say I’ll figure it out and then you do.
So here I was basically turning water into wine at the sake of my sanity and my relationship. When my partner was just so impressed with my skill sets and capabilities I thought this was thriving and not drowning. Kind of like when people find out most water drownings are silent not the flailing mess you expect.
Life is like that. When we are flailing and screaming we generally are still pretty OK. We are mad and fighting and struggling but still able to scream and flail. Its the after, the quiet we should worry about. The I’ll just grin and bear it until this screen, this quiet, this unnecessary secret slowly takes me down. But the moment I said enough. I am no longer able to do it alone things took a turn.
I found myself engulfed in a safe cocoon where I was able to actually truly step away and work towards finding strength that wasn’t just grinning and bearing it but actually true. I even wanted to end this post before the last two sentences of the last paragraph. Because even to this day admitting I need a safe place is really really hard. But once we say hey ya know what I need a minute here, a minute to breath, a minute to understand what I truly want, a minute to make sure I am bringing my best self to the table. The person a child version of me would be proud of. The one who fought for whats right and whats needed. The one who knew that grinning and bearing it would not be who I am or who I would be.
That moment the overly eager optimist remembers why she took that name in the first place. Think hard, think lightly. remember a moment when you truly jumped in with both feat and no fear. Live that, share that. I know I will.